Ibiza’s next top hand model

I mean, I love my seeing my friends, showing them around the island, but come on… August? It’s like trying to have a long, lazy brunch with a bride on her wedding morning.

With this most recent batch of wonderful visitors however, I managed to stay calm, relax, chill out and spend some quality time with them… it wasn’t hard when they were staying in a stunning villa in the north of the island, complete with gorgeous pool and mountain views… and the fact the girls had called in a crack team of high-profile Russian nail experts – aka, the all-new Nail It Ibiza team – for poolside manis and pedis! Suddenly it felt easy to push this pressing deadlines back a few more hours…

Of course, I tried to resist, being the boho-no-i-don’t-wear-make-up natural type of girl that i am (even though i clearly put make-up on to look as though i have no make-up on every day), but at the first sign of a foot file, I got toe envy and had to get myself into the hot seat – complete with a glass of cava of course – and experience the Nail It Ibiza treatment for myself.

Let me let you in on a little of my internal dialogue throughout the process…

‘She’s offering me a Brazilian?! What the? In front of all my friends? I know this is Ibiza, but this goes too far…’ Calm down Miss W. A Brazilian is just one of the many manis on offer – no wax in sight, although the nail it team do also offer leg and arm waxing to complement their nail services – where your hands are treated to a moisturising concoction of hamamelis, tea tree oil, allantoin, calcium and keratin and wrapped in plastic gloves to lock in the moisture benefits, leaving your skin velvety smooth and nails strong. ‘Oh, in that case, yes please!

‘Oh my god I have man hands. No wait, I have Sarah Jessica Parker hands. Argh! Actually I have sausage fingers – everyone is going to notice I have sausage fingers! The nail technician is going to judge me! She’s used to manicuring models and celebrities and  – oh! Another glass of cava? Yes please.’

‘Colour? No I don’t wear colour on my nails. Never. No, I’m a neutral, natural kind of girl. Maybe on the toes. Oh look! They have a turquoise that matches my jumpsuit – OK, you can do that on my toes. Fingers definitely stay natural… then again, it would be a shame to waste all those years of professional experience my nail technician has just to get her to paint clear polish on me. OK go on then. A nice, summery colour. You choose…’

‘This girl is like a nail ninja. Seriously. She’s amazing. She’s trimmed my cuticles, filed my nails and painted gel on as a base coat and I have barely even noticed her touching my skin or moving my hands. This has to be the best manicure of all time, not like those cheap little nail bars in New York where they file your skin off and make your nails crooked and oh – more cava? Por que no?’

‘Orange? She wants me to wear orange? Won’t my fingers look like an old grandmother… wait… they do say orange is the new black. Oooh, I likey! Look at that little subtle hint of shimmer. It matches the orange trim on my handbag! Definitely no embellishments though. Classic, simple all the way…’

‘My fingers don’t look like my own! Whose hands are these? With those pretty little sporty shaped orange nails – what if I lose my ability to write and type because I’m distracted by the flash of colour beneath my gaze – what if I am like Samson and I lose the power to type once I’ve been groomed… what’s that? You want to top up my cava? Oh just a little splash!’

‘Ohhhh… look at those pretty jars full of crystals, just sitting there on the table all alone. I guess someone should try it. It would be rude not to. Just one though… oh OK, maybe a little crystal stripe. Alright then, two crystal stripes. Oooh, pretty!’

‘Wow – my hands look really beautiful. Look how lovely my fingernails appear, clasped around this glass of cava. It’s quite sexy actually. I never realised what nice hands I had. Perhaps I should become a hand model… ‘

‘Oh! I just remembered why I don’t wear nail polish. Because it cracks, it peels, my nails break and I’m too lazy to remove it and I end up looking disheveled… Whaaat? This gel lasts AT LEAST two weeks and will help my nails grow? Hallelujah, it’s my dream come true.’

‘Hmmm, maybe I was meant to be a foot model. That deep teal shade makes my toes look really elegant. Wow – if I’d known that, I would have indulged in pedicures much earlier. Ahh, all the wasted youth of my toes… I wonder if toes can ever be too old to be toe models? Does anyone know a hand and foot model agency?’

‘OHH! I have NAIL ENVY! Sofia has stripes! She has a whole bunch of geometric goodness going on over there. Why didn’t I get stripes? I mean, I like my crystal embellishments, but she has a WORK OF ART on her nails… Next time. Wow. I’m impressed. I’m booking Nail It Ibiza to give me a design upgrade, after I’ve had a siesta. Ooh, now I think about it, all this cava in the sunshine is making me a little sleepy…’

POST PAMPERING SESSION

‘Where am I? Has anyone seen my iPad? I have a deadline! Ooooh! Look how nice my nails look when I’m swiping pages of the iPad magazine. See how the vibrant orange is the perfect contrast to the blue of Ibiza’s beaches – it’s like, I was MEANT to do this!’

‘Oh my, what pretty toes I’m slipping into my flip flops. Holy crap! I need to get back to the office! Why didn’t I bring my laptop so I could write about Nail It Ibiza from the comfort of my sun lounger? Step on it… but be careful not to chip the toenail polish in the process! Bye friends!’

‘Don’t my fingers look lovely on the steering wheel of the car… I wonder if all the other drivers on the road can see the bling? I might blind someone with the right ray of sunlight. Oh bling – I want more bling! Diamonds! I bet Paris Hilton has diamonds on her nails! I bet Paris Hilton uses Nail It when she’s here. WHY OH WHY was I so conservative? I want DIAMONDS!’

BACK AT THE OFFICE

‘Hello Nail It Ibiza? I’d like to book in for my next appointment please… ‘