10 things visitors should never really say…

The sleepless nights, the stressful overtired days trying to meet deadlines and the pressure of trying to be in multiple places at once. I do love seeing my friends, but one of the things about living in Ibiza is that everyone else in the world seems to think you are always on holiday. If only!

For those of us who live here, life feels more like you are constantly moving through a revolving door. More specifically, that shiny new glass revolving door in the new Ibiza airport terminal. Because each time we bid farewell to one batch of visiting friends and family, we say hello to another, and while they’re all dining, drinking and dancing… we also have to fit in a little thing called work.

So if you’re thinking about visiting… please take note!

1. ‘Are you going to be busy next week/month/year?’ Thanks for asking and the answer is yes. I, like many other Ibiza residents, work seven days a week for four months of the year so you can pretty much guarantee there’s not much downtime to be shared. Of course I’d love to see you and I’ll do my best to adjust my schedule whenever I can, but I don’t have time to be your tour guide. That’s what White Ibiza is designed for anyway!

2. ‘But you can still come to the beach with us, right?’ Errr, wrong. I have a J.O.B. which means there’s somewhere else I have to be during the day. And before you suggest that I just pop down for an hour to join you, remember that it will take me 10 minutes to walk from my desk to my car, half an hour to drive to the beach, another 10 minutes to park, 10 minutes to walk along the beach and find you, by which stage my lunch hour is over and yet I still need to walk back to the car, drive back home and then walk back to my computer. Honestly, I’d love to but it’s just a logistical nightmare!

3. ‘I thought you’d be more tan.’ See previous point. Variation on this statement can also come in the form of, ‘Oh, I see you have the Ibiza nightclub tan.’ Do I comment when I see your tan comes from a bottle in the city? No. I rest my case.

4. ‘But we don’t get to see you that often.’ ‘Tis true. But if it’s really ME you wanted to have a holiday with, we could do something together out of season. Ibiza is lovely in the winter, when I have weekends off, really it is!

5. ‘You only live once.’ Not for much longer if I party at the same pace as all my visiting friends do, seven nights a week, four months of the year. Remember, when you leave, another visitor arrives, and the cycle continues until the end of September…

6. ‘Just call in sick tomorrow.’ What, and the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that too? Because every day in Ibiza throughout the summer is like the weekend, it means there’s no such thing as Monday-itis or a duvet-day. There’s also no one else to fill in my sparkly shoes, so I’d just be creating twice the amount of work for myself when going back to work at a later date. P.S. It’s a trick that might work in the real world, but unless you’ve got a bona fide doctor’s certificate or are physically in the hospital, a fake throaty cough and a quick call to your boss just isn’t gonna cut it. Us Ibiza folk are hardy!

7. ‘Just one more drink?’ Fast forward to 7am and see point above. Then reference the point below.

8. ‘No one will ever know.’ Yes, they will. Ibiza is a small island and on any given night, someone you know will be dancing next to you at Pacha/DC10/Ushuaia/Space/villa party. And if you’re lucky enough to escape recognition, there’s no hiding hollowed out party eyes the morning after in your first meeting. And drinking Red Bull for breakfast is just a dead giveaway.

9. ‘I won’t get in your way while you’re working and I can just crash on the floor.’ That’s what they all say. But inevitably, I’ll be sitting at my computer fighting writer’s block and you’ll ask me what the best beach/bar/shop/café/bank/internet cafe is. And directions on how to get there. And what to order/buy/avoid. Remember, that’s why we invented White Ibiza. And as for crashing on the floor? That’s the oldest trick in the book.

10. ‘But you live on holidays.’ Aaaarrrrgggghhhhh!