Ibiza bikini body: You can’t lose weight by talking about it

If you could lose weight by talking about it, I would probably have shrivelled away to nothing by now! There’s been a lot of talk about my Ibiza bikini body challenge since I declared it on back in January… but not a lot of action! Which is why I called in the experts at Revival Wellness Club to kick me into gear this month…

Photography by Maria Simon

As I sat nervously in the Revival office for my consultation with health and fitness guru Kelly Morgan, all I kept thinking was about all the lovely new Stella McCartney for Adidas clothing I could buy to train in the lovely, shiny, swanky looking gym. And what hairstyles would work for each form of exercise (braids for yoga, a classic ponytail for running and a sumo-style top knot for kickboxing), whether I’d need to buy new toiletries for the showers and…. Oh hang on a minute, have I lost you?

I was interrupted from my daydreaming by Kelly’s request to stand on a whizzbang machine that would accurately measure the muscle to fat ratio in each leg, arm and my trunk, by sending an electrodes through my body. Clever huh? As I stood there waiting for the zap (newsflash – you don’t feel a thing), I realised this was to be the moment of truth. Was I grossly overweight? Am I a mess of pure fat cells and no muscle at all, after a winter spent hibernating in bed with the 10-series box set of Friends?

The answer – THANKFULLY – was no! I weighed less than I thought (55 kilos in case you’re wondering), my BMI was slightly over what it should be, but under what I had anticipated (27.6 percent if you must know) and I learnt that my right leg weighed more than my left! So as I sat down, I breathed a sigh of relief… and was thinking about heading out to purchase the aforementioned training gear when once again, Kelly snapped me out of my revelry.

‘Are you ready to do some training?’

Err…. Whaaaat? You mean I didn’t just shed my excess fat by standing on the magic machine? I sheepishly shuffled to the change rooms (yes, I had packed my sad old trainers and a scruffy t-shirt and leggings in lieu of Stella), scraped my hair off my face and made haste to the cardio room. Here. We. Go.

’80 percent of success is showing up,’ said Kelly reassuringly… although I have to admit the thought of the other 20 percent was petrifying me! Honestly, between you and me, I haven’t SERIOUSLY exercised in more than five years (the DC10 dance floor doesn’t count). I don’t even know how anymore!

Fast-forward 40 minutes, and a sweaty, shaky and slightly nauseous Miss W Ibiza had finished her first mini-workout and was feeling quite chuffed with herself for a. not crying; b. not quitting and c. not dying.

With a new thrice-weekly gym schedule prepared for me – including cardio bursts, a fat burning circuit class and a weekly personal training session with UK kickboxing champion Faye Maloney plus the lure of some super slimming treatments (yes! Results without sweat!) when the spa reopens in a couple of weeks – it looks like I’ll be getting to know the spaces and faces at Revival pretty well over the coming weeks.

And that’s not all… next week, Kelly says we’re going to take a look at my diet – arrgh! Stay tuned for the gory details…