When I first heard the announcements that my favourite pop star in the world would be performing at the This Is Hard Rock concerts in Ibiza this summer, all of a sudden it was like no other party mattered. I was just counting down the dates until August 22, 2014, when none other than Kylie Minogue would make her special appearance at Ushuaia Beach Club. I wasn’t expecting a full concert. After all, it’s not a stadium.
I was expecting maybe two songs, possibly three. So when she did a six-song showcase, complete with dancers and amazing costumes, you can imagine my happiness (anyone who has read this blog will remember how much I love Kylie). I would go so far as to say it was the best 30 minutes of 2014… here’s how it went down. (Thoughts not listed in real time.)
Minute 1: I line up in the press list queue, while my friends go through the guest list, thinking, this will be the ultimate piece of Kylie memorabilia in my collection. A long lanyard with Kylie Minogue stamped on it. A glossy AAA pass with my name on it. My ticket to standing on the back of the stage and watching from the wings. I plummet back down to earth when it turns out press passes are merely paper wristbands for this event. Don’t they know who I am? (If they did, perhaps the police would have been called to arrest the stalker).
Minute 2: Right then, if I can’t have a lanyard, I’ll have to buy a t-shirt. Or a necklace. Or a fan. Or a poster. Or a tour book – wait? Where was the merchandise? A quick shimmy to the Ushuaia store revealed my second let-down in two minutes. Oh well, I thought. I can’t carry all that merchandise AND a cocktail AND my have my phone camera at the ready. To the bar we go!
Minute 3: It’s time to get serious now. She’s going to be coming out any minute. I want to be the first person in Ushuaia to lay eyes on Kylie, see what she’s wearing and shriek out my undying love for her. We set up camp at the back of the stage, at the barriers and waited patiently while security and staff fussed about over nothing.
Minute 4: Oooh. Just saw the set times. Pete Tong and Heidi played before Kylie, not after as I’d suspected. I’d been too busy getting all sparkled up at home (complete with a pink glitter cover on my iPhone for the occasion) to catch their sets. Dammit.
Minute 5: I spot a row of true fans in Kylie t-shirts clambouring at the barriers eager for a glimpse of my idol, but they cannot possibly shift me from my front row pole position. Ooh – is that Sven Vath? And Paris Hilton? TOGETHER? Who knew either of them were Kylie fans?
Minute 6: Oh crap – will my friends who work at Ushuaia see me here with these crazy obessed fans and think me one of them? Act cool, just act cool. You’re standing around to errr, oh god. I don’t know. Too excited to think. Just don’t make eye contact.
Minute 7: Hallelujah, there is my miniature hero! Like a teensy tiny little showgirl Barbie doll, I see her bantering with the dancers, smiling, laughing… ahhh, this is what I stood around the back of the stage desperately for with my iPhone on standby.
Minute 8: I knew it. I just knew she’d go all showgirl for this performance, having been snooping on her Instagram and Facebook for a sneak peek at the costumes from the Kiss Me Once tour. Why didn’t I wear a Karma Hada headpiece to the show? Then she might have caught my eye… we could have bonded over our shared love of wearing feathered creations on our head. Next time, there’s always a next time.
Minute 9: Eek! She’s up on stage! They’ve started! We’re still around the back! How on earth am I going to get to the front now?
Minute 10: “Move out of my way…” I sing, along with the lyrics to Spinning Around, but really I’m trying to manifest a pathway to the front of the crowd. These people aren’t budging. And I’m not much taller than Kylie. Thankfully I wore heels…
Minute 11: Oh my lordy, that corset is just incredible. Is it Dolce & Gabbana? I know she was spotted frolicking with Stefano on his yacht? Didn’t they do her Aphrodite costumes… ah! Quiet brain – I can’t hear the girl sing!
Minute 12: How old is our Kylie? She’s got to be 46 now, right? 46 and rocking out the thigh high black leather boots. You go girl…
Minute 13: She’s just so beautiful. She radiates happiness. She glows. She’s, well… she’s Kylie! That unforgettable natural Kylie sparkle and gorgeous smile hasn’t changed a bit since I was a whippersnapper and she was Charlene on Neighbours. I feel like the inner Kylie will never age. I should be so lucky!
Minute 14: “I’m still here holding on so tight…” I murmur, seemingly along to the lyrics of Into The Blue, but s a matter of fact I’m talking to my friends, who I have a firm grip on and am still trying to weave our way through the tightly packed crowd to the front. At this stage we’re in the third row.
Minute 15: I know Ushuaia is a far cry from DC10, but I have to say, the dance floor is feeling much more like the Monday afternoon terrace squash routine than the pose-by-the-pool atmosphere of Ushuaia. Am I actually sweating? No! I spent hours applying this glittery eye make-up!
Minute 16: To all you haters out there suggesting Kylie would be miming prior to the gig – EAT YOUR WORDS. I was close enough to hear her voice and I can guarantee you that Kylie has integrity, and Kylie has talent!
Minute 17: I wonder what Kylie’s workout routine is? I wonder if I started now, if I could look that good by the time I’m 46?
Minute 18: “La la la, la la la la la, la la la, la la la la la.” Need I say more?
Minute 19: Where has she gone? Is that it? It can’t be over? They promised me half an hour? It’s only half way through! I don’t want to watch the dancers, I wanna watch Kylie… ah, costume change. Phew.
Minute 20: The re-enactment of one of this year’s most talked about video clips. Whether you loved it or whether you hated it (apparently there’s no half way), watching it happen on stage made you turn your head to the left, to the right, upside down… how do they do it AND manage to look graceful?
Minute 21: Let’s take a minute to do a quick outfit check. Stunning beaded mini-dress? Check. Silver strappy stilettos? Check. OK, as you were.
Minute 22: Oh – wow. I take my eye off my girl for one minute, only to discover there’s a whole audiovisual thing going on up there on the famous Ushuaia screens. But I can’t help but revert my gaze to Kylie after about 30 seconds. (Later on, my friends assure me the visuals were amazing. Youtube proves their point).
Minute 23: So you think you can dance? While Ibiza is home to many of the world’s best dancers, I have to say, Kylie’s troupe of beyond buffed boys and beautiful ballerinas must be the most elite of the elite. Their bodies twist and turn and balance and posture like nothing I’ve ever seen before, and they are all stunningly gorgeous, without looking fake, or over-worked out, or too skinny. Bravo.
Minute 24: All of a sudden, I have a vision. I see Vegas, I see Kylie, I see the future…
Minute 25: “Thought that I was going crazy… Just having one of those days yeah. Didn’t know what to do. Then there was yoooooooou.” Yes, I was singing to Love At First Sight, but I was directing my words at the fanatical fans in front of me, who would not budge for love, money or Kylie memorabilia! I thought I’d gone a little bit overboard with the sparkly phone cover and the glittery bag… but this was next level fan-dom. I’m talking Kylie tattoos. Enough said.
Minute 26: I check myself and my singing, when I realise the person wedged behind me has a voice that sounds like fingernails on a blackboard, yet they are singing at the top of their voice. Unfortunately, their mouth is close to my ear. I shimmy to the left and adjust my own volume – after all, we’re all here to hear one person sing… not hear everyone else imitate her badly.
Minute 27: How many songs has she sung? It must be almost over? What time is it? No don’t look at your phone, you might miss something. Oh no I don’t want it to end!
Minute 28: I start to get a tear in my eye as Kylie belts out All The Lovers. “And I mean you up the back there!” she adds. But what about me? Here? In the front? She starts winding things up, thanking everyone, telling us she loves Ibiza, that we bring her pure happiness. Oh god, I’m not ready for it to be over….
Minute 29: BOOM! A giant explosion of glitter cannons, confetti and streamers fill the air, signifying the show’s over. As the fanatics make a mad scramble to grab any remnants they can, no doubt to add them to their scrapbooks, I make a mad dash to get out of the crowd, so I can watch the pop princess come off stage triumphant at the back.
Minute 30: I stand bedraggled at the backstage railings, a sweaty shadow of the former sparkly girl who arrived just 30 minutes earlier (I bet Ms Minogue still looks picture perfect). But I’m happy. Because those were the best damn 30 minutes this summer, and I think they’d be pretty hard to beat. There’s only a couple of weeks left this summer… is anyone brave enough to try? Kylie, I salute you…