20 years, 20 closings, 20 people

There are very few restaurants and party venues (clubs aside) who can boast a 20-year history, and continue to grow and thrive in a competitive market, while other places prove to be a flash in the pan, or as we see old icons fade into obscurity. But there is Km5 Ibiza, in all its 20-year glory, shining like the star of Ibiza’s party circuit that it is.

Last weekend Km5 threw their annual closing party – as you’d expect, bigger and better than ever before, and I went there preparing to write a review of the event, iPhone in hand to take notes and snap Instagram worthy pics. But the longer I was there, the more I realised – it is the PEOPLE of Km5 Ibiza that make the party. The people who love it, the people who created it, the people who flock there and the people working tirelessly behind the scenes daily and nightly throughout the summer to bring it to life.

So rather than write another closing party review – which, let’s face it, which would go a little something like this: get stuck in traffic on the San Jose road, park way too far down the road then totter down to Km5 in precarious heels, air-kiss every 30 seconds until finding your table, wait too long for food so that you’re really drunk by the time your steak comes and devour it in an unladylike manner, get up to discover the entire venue is totally jam-packed, hit the dance floor, aka time vortex, stumble back outside at midday to find your car’s been towed (or is that just me?) – I decided to go on a recon mission and take notes on the people. And here, my dear readers, are my findings – 20 types of people you’ll encounter at Km5 Ibiza (on any given night – not strictly limited to closings!).

1. The local business owners. Aside from Km5’s owners, Ana and Josh, who you’ll always find mingling and smiling with the hoi polloi of the island, you’ll also be rubbing shoulders with most of Ibiza’s influential business owners. Whether restaurateurs, hoteliers, marketeers, designers, architects or shop owners – deals are being made via verbal agreements and handshakes, secrets are being shared and new plans are constantly being hatched. Sure, it LOOKS like a party, but it’s also Ibiza’s very own version of a boardroom

2. The jet set. They’re all tall. They’re all gorgeous. And they’re super stylish. And they’re speaking every language other than English, so try as you (erm, in this case I) might, you’ll never infiltrate their glamazonian pack unless you’re equipped with sky high Jimmy Choos and a six-pack of languages.

3. The DJs. When your neighbours are Sven Vath and David Guetta, you can guarantee a susperstar DJ or two (plus their superstar DJ mates) to pop in for a cocktail at your closing. And sometimes, if you’re lucky, they might bring their records and play until the very early hours of the following afternoon.

4. The journalists. You know the type. Scrabbling around for free drinks, glancing over everyone’s shoulders waiting for someone better (or more famous) to come along and declaring to anyone who’ll listen that they’re writing for The Guardian or The Metro or Vogue or Elle or countless websites that will sing the praises of Ibiza’s amazing closings AFTER the event rather than before.

5. The photographers. A different breed to the journos – although cut from the same free-drinks squaffing cloth – these guys (and girls) nervously linger around the edges of the party swooping in and snapping you at the most inopportune moments. The things about Ibiza parties is – you just can’t capture the vibe on film. Sure you get the glitz and the glamour, but in these closing party cases – you just had to be there.

6. The performers. Stilt walkers, acrobats, dancers, magicians and contortionists. There you are, mingling under a fairy-lit tree and then WHOOSH! They appear as if out of nowhere, faces painted, sparkly costumes and awesome acts. All part of the Km5 magic.

7. The foodies. In addition to its reputation as a party place, Km5 Ibiza is also one of the island’s most renowned fine dining destinations. Getting a table for the final dinner seating at the closing party is like scoring front row seats to a Madonna concert or getting an audience with the queen. You literally need to book months in advance (unless you’re lucky and someone cancels). Now, the food is always a little slower to come out at the closing due to the sheer volume of people in the establishment, but when it arrives to your table. HEAVEN. I could eat that Argentinean steak every day of my life. So, as you can imagine, the tables are peppered with Ibiza’s gourmet lovers, savouring their last mouthfuls of Km5 goodness for 6 months.

8. The old timers. And by old timers, I don’t mean age. I mean long-serving Ibiza stalwarts. The types who’ve been to every Km5 Ibiza closing in the past 20 years. Traveling in packs, you’ll find them propping up the bar and reminiscing about the earlier years, but you’ll also discover they’re as fiercely loyal to the venue and love its current incarnation too.

9. The fashion pack. Km5 Ibiza has always attracted the who’s who of the fashion world – models, their management, photographers, stylists, designers and hair and make-up artists – and they’re easily spotted due to their impeccable style and couture clothing of course. You’ll never see a fashionista with a glass of red wine in her hand for fear of spillages – clear liquids only my dears. You’ll probably never spot them tucking into an Argentinean steak either.

10. The posers. While fashionistas are naturally tres chic, and constantly being papped by the photographers, the posers are a little more on the obvious side. This gang is here to be seen, and you’ll find them in gaggles of sequin-clad dresses and amidst high-pitched shrieks determined to attract attention. Ultra-white teeth are essential.

11. The young blood. For every old timer, there’s a newbie – someone coming to the end of their first season in Ibiza and attending their very first Km5 closing. Sometimes they’ll be the Ibiza kids who’ve finally come of age (ahem, or are attending with their parents!) and are easing themselves into a grown up social life. But all of them are easily spotted by their youthful exuberance, the glint of excitement in their eyes, and their willingness to try anything and be a part of the action. Ahh, enjoy it while it lasts my young ones. You too shall join the ranks of the cynical oldies within a few years…

12. The eclectics. Ibiza is chock-full of quirky characters and they come out in full force for the Km5 Ibiza closing party each year. You’ll spot women in head-to-toe leopard print (not me, I swear), men that could be mistaken for Salvador Dali, modern day gangsters doing their best Tony Soprano impersonations, guys in glitter, a woman dressed as a bride and clutching a giant teddy bear, pierced and overly tattooed guys and girls in rockabilly get-ups and even the occasional pooch wearing sunglasses (not even joking). The beauty of it is, everyone knows everyone, and eclecticism is embraced wholeheartedly!

13. The die-hard ravers. For this gang, the party just never stops. The last time they had a solid eight-hour block of sleep was some time back in April. They’re still going from the marathon Ushuaia-Amnesia-DC10-Blue-Marlin-Sankeys-afterparty-the-after-afterparty session, and Km5 brings them a good dance floor and fab music for another 16 hours or more. When you see them wearing sunglasses indoors, don’t ask them to take them off. They genuinely look better with them.

14. The millionaires. It’s true, Km5 Ibiza is a millionaire’s playground. If you want it, they’ve got it, from a specialist VIP Caviar (sorry, I mean ‘Kaviar’) bar and jeroboams of the finest champagne, to high-end designer clothing in the boutique and modern art worth more than I’ll ever earn in a lifetime within the gallery. They’re the ones puffing cigars and talking about the pitfalls of the private jet terminal in Ibiza Airport.

15. The Angels. The Ibiza Angels that is – those wonderful all-in-white beauties who swoop in just when you think you’re going to pack it all in and head home from exhaustion. A ten-minute over-the-clothes head, neck and shoulder massage from these gals will put you back in the game faster than you can order your next mojito.

16. The crazies. Now, these guys are (thankfully) outnumbered but if you look carefully, you will find them. Muttering to themselves in a corner, ranting and raving about conspiracy theories or dancing with a tree. This is Ibiza after all.

17. The players. Smooth, slick and generally all talk, these handsome, buffed boys no doubt drive a Hummer (or have a driver to do the hard work for them), are members of the Polo Club and leave a trail of Hugo Boss aftershave in their wake as they hope from bar to bar (of which there are seven at Km5) looking for the next pretty girl to (hopefully) impress. Take them or leave them, it makes for good people watching. And hey, who’s going to say no to a free drink in this economic climate (aside from the millionaires of course).

18. The rubber neckers. Speaking of people watching, these are the types who read blogs like mine and think, yes, I’m going to make it my mission to be part of that scenario next year. Usually fresh off the plane, you’ll identify them by their constant questions. “Who’s that?” and ‘What are they doing in there?” or “Isn’t that Kate Moss?”. Be kind. Indulge them. Or you could do what I do, and send them off on a wild goose chase looking for Kate in the men’s loos. Just saying…

19. The immortals. How the hell do they do it? Those Ibiza people who have not aged a day in, well, 20 years! While I wasn’t at the first every Km5 Ibiza closing party, I have seen the photographic evidence, and this year there were quite a few of the regular guests and I swear they don’t look a day older. In fact – dare I say – some of them even look better! Whether it’s surgery, a healthier lifestyle, or a hard-partying life style that’s simply pickling their blood, I’ll have what they’re having!

20. The cleaners. Always the last to leave… unfortunately for them, there’s no end time on these closing parties, so they just have to stick around waiting for the last of the glamorous riff raff to leave.

This is the end… really!

This is the end… really. Honestly. The home stretch. The last hurrah. The final push. If you read my blog about closing month last week, you’ll know that we’re halfway through the very last batch of Ibiza club closing parties (not to mention the countless restaurant, bar and hotel closings too) and if there’s one consistent subject that’s been popping up in my Facebook feed all week, it’s been about guest list etiquette.

Now, I’ve talked about this earlier in the year, but I thought it might be time for a little refresher course, dedicated to the closing parties in particular. So please, if you’re thinking about asking me, or any other of my friends-in-higher-than-podium-places who work in clubs, please keep the following in mind before sending a text, Facebook message or (worst of all) turning up on the door uninvited to one of the big closing parties this week, ask yourself the following questions before going ahead (huge thanks to Miss Z, an expert in fielding guest list requests, for her guidance on the following questions):

Does the person I am asking actually work in the club I want to go to? If the answer is no, you’ll want to think long and hard before asking (as well as continue to ask yourself the questions below) – guest lists to closing parties are EXTREMELY limited, and it’s not likely that friends of friends can be put onto them. If the person does indeed work at the club you want to go to, and you answer yes to some of the following questions, then why not try your luck?

How well do I know the person? Am I good mates with them? “If the answer is yes,” says Miss Z, “fire away, even though it might now always work out.” And if you’re not good buddies, have you ever done a massive favour for this person in the past? Obviously good friends, family and colleagues come first in the guest list hierarchy, however if you’ve ever helped your friends out of a pickle in the past, chances are they’ll remember it and try and help you out too. If the answer is ‘not very well’, see below. If your answer is no… forget asking.

Have I seen or contacted said person in the last six months for anything non-guest list related? Have you ever dropped them a text just to say hi, have you caught up for a drink or dinner, hung out at the beach or seen them out and about and had a good old chinwag or a dance? If yes, then maybe, just maybe, you’ll get lucky. If no… well, you know the answer already. If you have even the slightest feeling of being a bit cheeky to ask the favour, or even worse, a sense of guilt, save yourself the effort. The answer is N-O.

Is the party today? If the answer is yes, you should simply get your wallet out and buy a ticket now. “There’s no such thing as a discounted ticket I can sell you,” says another guest list guardian friend who shall remain nameless. “Just cut to the chase and ask me for guest list… or ask yourself why you’re coming to Ibiza during the closing party period if you’re on a budget?” Guest lists for closing parties usually close the day before the event… if you do happen to be in advance, and answered yes to some of the above questions, give it a shot.

A few other little words of wisdom. Don’t ever ask for guest list to a party you might not attend – you’re taking up valuable guest list space for someone who genuinely really wants to go, and your lack of attendance WILL be noted. Don’t ask for guest list just to show off and get your ‘plus 4’ holidaying friends through the door when they could have easily bought tickets. If someone does put you on a limited guest list, offer to buy them a drink to say thank you, and be sure to follow through (don’t just assume they have drinks tickets – even these are limited at the closings!). Don’t ever turn around and complain about the length of the guest list queue, or the small fee if you’ve been asked to pay one. Remember your call/text/email is most likely one of hundreds, so if we don’t answer within the next couple of hours, don’t pester us with follow-up calls/texts/emails to check we got your initial call/text/email, unless you really want to fall out of favour quickly.

Spare a thought for Ibiza’s guest list guardians in their final week of duty. And remember the golden rule – if your name’s not down, you’re not coming in…

The closings are coming!

What am I talking about? The closings are here! What was once considered ‘closing week’ now seems to have been extended to closing month. Which both thrills me and scares me, in equal parts. Or maybe 60/40. or 40/60. Ask me again in a week!

It all started last Thursday, with Cream – who, in their 20th year of clubbing wisdom, decided to throw a two-part closing special spanning two weeks (part two being tonight). Then it was Hard Rock Hotel Ibiza (via way of Ushuaia) with their epic closing party featuring my favourite band ever, The Prodigy, which left me feeling like I couldn’t possibly face another closing. 

But face it we did – because how could you NOT go out, when Carl Cox had invited Loco Dice to help him close his season at Space? When Fatboy Slim plays at Amnesia for the Together closing party – you just GO. And it would have been rude NOT to call in on Jamie Jones, as his third year in Paradise came to a close?

And then there’s the after parties. Or the after-after parties. Sven Väth at BEACHOUSE. Eeek – then Sven Väth at Km5. Carl Cox doing his funk and soul thing at Sands, while next door Jamie and co are smashing it out at BEACHOUSE. Over in Destino, Solomun is gearing up for his last hurrah (well, his last outdoor hurrah this week – he’s still got Pacha on Sunday and who knows where else he’ll crop up!). Whatever you want to call these, it’s like survival of the fittest in Ibiza at the moment… and there’s STILL TWO MORE WEEKS OF MADNESS TO GO!

In the coming week, my diary reads like this: Music On Closing, ANTS Closing, Glitterbox Closing, We Love… Sundays closing (always my favourite!), Cocoon Closing, Defected Closing, ENTER. closing – and that’s me taking it easy. There are at least another 10 closings you could add to that list… and the obligatory afters, and after-afters!

And then… there’s the big one. The final curtain call for each and every club. The (drum roll please) last week of the season. Starting with Ocean Beach Ibiza, followed by the combined spectacle of Supermartxe and Privilege, the mammoth all-day-(and-probably-night)-long Carola session at Ushuaia, the epic, epic cannot miss special closing set of Luciano at Amnesia’s famous closing fiesta, then straight to Rumors at BEACHOUSE Ibiza before braving the flight club car park arena of Space (and the rest!)..and here’s where we get to breathe (or sleep) for about three hours before heading to Circo Loco at DC10! Then (my personal fave), Next Wave at Sankeys with Ricardo Villalobos at the helm. Still not enough for you? Lucky, because the next day we have the closing of Destino, and (because Sankeys do always like to have the last word) backing up from Next Wave, Ibiza’s party hardiest will be out in force for the Sankeys official closing party on October 8.

But then there’s the after party. And the after-afters. Did I mention I have a full time job to fit in there too?

And then after THAT, we’ve got the winter openings to look forward to!